Holy shit, dude! The color drained from your face faster than my Christmas bonus in January. Your brain, trained by years of living on the edge of sensationalist news and IMSS urban legends, automatically completed the sentence with the worst-case scenario imaginable: “…the risk of foam in your urine is that you’re going to kick the bucket in three days” or worse, “…your kidneys are history .” The mere thought made your stomach churn, but you couldn’t stop watching!
That incomplete ” See more ” was the gateway to the hell of speculation. Millions of Mexicans clicked on that damned link, hearts pounding a mile a minute, morbid curiosity and terror locked in a fierce battle in our minds. We wanted to know, but at the same time, we were absolutely terrified of stumbling upon the graphic images, the news that would ruin our week and shatter what little faith we had left in our own longevity.
We, the ones who aren’t afraid of the devil or information overload (and who are, frankly, pretty gossipy about health), DID take the plunge. We swallowed the lump in our throats, got our bread ready for the shock (or a double shot of tequila for courage), and risked facing the harsh reality head-on. Go for it, man! What we found behind that link has us with our jaws on the floor and our souls hanging by a thread, my friends! This is more intense than a Netflix narco-series in prime time, but the victim is YOU!
[URGENT REPORT / FROM THE EPICENTER OF KIDNEY FAILURE]
What’s up, my dear friends from Mexico City, the north, the coast, Guadalajara, and all of this magical, surreal, and sometimes painfully violent Mexico with our own bodies!
Prepare yourselves for the truth behind the most shocking clickbait of the year, a truth that’s not a rumor, nor fake news invented by some Twitter bot to sell us miracle pills. The full phrase, the one that almost made you call your mom sobbing uncontrollably thinking you’d earned a one-way ticket to Mictlán, is this nuclear bombshell of biological betrayal and crossfire that shook the very foundations of binational medical common sense:
“TREASON AGAINST HEALTH AND ORGANIC MOURNING! NEW STUDY SHAKES THE COUNTRY! THEY CONFIRM THAT THE RISK OF FOAM IN YOUR URINE IS NOT THAT YOU ARE VOMITING VERY FORCEFULLY, BUT THAT YOUR KIDNEYS ARE LEAKING PROTEINS LIKE AN OVERTURNED TRUCK ON THE HIGHWAY! SOLDIERS ARE FIGHTING TO THE LAST BULLET AGAINST SILENT KIDNEY FAILURE AND REPORT A BINATIONAL MASSACRE!”
TAKE THAT, BEARDED GUY! Stop everything! Nobody died… yet (thank goodness, since your body is sending you smoke signals in the bathroom), what died was the little peace we had left when we went to pee! Your kidneys are collapsing!
