Holy shit, dude! The color drained from your face faster than my paycheck on a Friday. Your brain, trained by years of living on the edge of the crime beat, automatically completed the sentence with the worst imaginable scenario. What was she having? Having divine intervention? Having a fire? Don’t play dumb! Your morbid mind thought the worst: “…trapped having incest ” or worse, “…trapped having fluid exchange with a dog .” The mere thought made your stomach churn, but you couldn’t stop watching!
That incomplete ” See more ” was the gateway to the hell of speculation. Millions of Mexicans clicked on that damned link, hearts pounding, morbid curiosity and terror locked in a fierce battle in our minds. We wanted to know, but at the same time, we were absolutely terrified of encountering the graphic images, the news that would ruin our week and shatter what little faith we had left in the sanity of this world.
We, the ones who aren’t afraid of the devil or information overload (and who are, frankly, quite the gossips), DID take the bait. We swallowed the lump in our throats, got our bread ready for the shock (or a double shot of tequila for courage), and risked facing the harsh reality head-on. Go for it, man! What we found behind that link has us with our jaws on the floor and our souls hanging by a thread, my friends! This is more intense than a Netflix narco-series in prime time!
[URGENT REPORT / FROM THE EPICENTER OF CULTURAL CHAOS]
What’s up, my dear friends from Mexico City, the north, the coast, Guadalajara, and all of this magical, surreal, and sometimes painfully violent but also absurdly crazy Mexico!
Prepare yourselves for the truth behind the most shocking clickbait of the year. It wasn’t a rumor. It wasn’t fake news invented by some bot on Twitter. The full phrase, the one that almost made you call your mom sobbing uncontrollably, thinking the apocalypse of morality had begun and that Sodom and Gomorrah were child’s play compared to this, is this nuclear bombshell of betrayal of reason that shook the very foundations of binational common sense:
“TREASON AGAINST REASON AND CULTURAL MOURNING! NEW SCANDAL SHAKES THE INTERNET! A THERIAN WOMAN (THOSE WHO BELIEVE THEY ARE AN ANIMAL TRAPPED IN A HUMAN BODY) WAS CONFIRMED TO HAVE ENDLESS CONVERSATIONS ON A DISCUSSION FORUM ABOUT THE BEST BRAND OF COOKIE, WHILE HER REAL CAT LOOKED AT HER WITH A ‘WHAT’S UP WITH THIS HUMAN?’ FACE, PLOTTING HER NEXT BINATIONAL HEIST… THE PLAN TO STEAL THE TUNA FROM THE PANTRY! SOLDIERS FIGHT TO THE LAST ROUND AND REPORT BINATIONAL MASSACRE!”
TAKE THAT, BEARDED GUY! Stop everything! Nobody died (thank goodness, the cat had some sense), what died was the dignity of serious debate! They captured the Queen of Digital Madness!
CHRONICLE OF A HELL FORETOLD: FROM GOSSIP TO BINATIONAL TANTRUM
Look, folks, don’t get me wrong. It’s a relief that there was no human tragedy to mourn among our troops of common sense. It’s a relief that those unsung heroes (us, the terrified readers) didn’t hang up their boots on the highway of sensationalist news. But, seriously! Did it really have to make our hearts leap into our throats with that headline, worthy of a state funeral or a binational massacre?
There we all were, imagining sirens, ambulances, families weeping, hearses on Reforma Avenue adorned with white carnations, and the National Guard cordoning off the area of sin… and it turns out the drama was just a high-impact tantrum by the feudal lords of the alternative identity movement. It’s a geopolitical tragedy of absurdity, not a massacre… this time !
This, my dear compatriots, is the dark art of modern social media journalism: “digital sensationalism” taken to its most cynical and effective extreme. They play on our most primal feelings, on our ancestral fears that society is going to hell while we’re munching on two-for-one suadero tacos and thinking we’ve seen it all. They know that in Mexico, tragedy and the bizarre sell, and they exploit that morbid fascination to earn a lousy click, even if it comes at the cost of our blood pressure, our peace of mind, and our gastritis. They’re geniuses of evil and sons of bitches, I swear!
SOCIAL MEDIA EXPLODES: #LADYCROQUETA AND #LORDTHRIAN ARE BORN IN A HEART-STOPPING DAY
Right now, the internet is a madhouse of mixed emotions, and chaos reigns. On one hand, there’s a massive wave of collective relief that’s practically creating a microclimate in Mexico City. Phew, what a freaking scare, you bastards! Thank goodness what we feared wasn’t true. Thank God and Saint Jude Thaddeus that it was just a ridiculous display of commotion, a major scare fueled by gossip, and not a real wake for decency. I can breathe again! I was already preparing for national mourning and wondering if there would be soccer on Sunday.
But on the other hand… HOW WRONG THOSE WHO WROTE THAT ARE! THEY WENT TOO FAR, TOO BADLY, TOO BADLY! Playing with the fear of a country that has suffered so much like that… it’s unforgivable, not even by God or the Virgin of Guadalupe. They could have given me a heart attack over some damn confused cat!
The memes came pouring in, and they’re popping up faster than the craving for a taco after a three-day hangover. People are posting pictures of themselves making clown faces for falling for the oldest and most obvious trap in the book. Others are uploading videos cursing out the article’s editor with colorful, flowery language worthy of a street vendor in La Merced or a Televisa telenovela finale where the villain kills everyone. The hashtags #LadyCroqueta and #LordTherian are already the number one trending topic in the country, surpassing politics, soccer, inflation, and even the latest celebrity gossip.
“I was already praying the rosary, I had already said goodbye to my grandma just in case, I was already planning my national mourning and thinking about selling my house because of the apocalypse of customs, and it turns out it was a ridiculously spectacular scare because of a cat and some kibble. You can’t play with my feelings like that, I’m going to get diabetes from the shock! I demand compensation in tacos al pastor immediately!” wrote an outraged Twitter user (now X), summarizing the feelings of the entire nation, deceived, furious, but hungry.
FINAL THOUGHT: WE DON’T BELIEVE A WORD THEY SAY ANYMORE, BUT WE KEEP FOLLOWING THEM LIKE ADDICTS!
Guys, this notification has taught us a painful and true life lesson that we’ll surely forget by tomorrow morning. We got tricked again, this time on a grand scale. We fell head over heels for the ” See more ” trap , like little kids with a poisoned candy outside the school promising them superpowers.
This headline was a slap of reality about how we consume news today. We’re held hostage by fear, morbid curiosity, and the urgent need to know everything before anyone else so we can be the first to send it to the family or work group chat and score gossip points, even if it’s a lie or an exaggeration on par with a 90s narco-series or a low-budget horror movie.
But let’s be honest, folks, straight to the point. Tomorrow, when another headline pops up, just as sensationalist, just as algorithmically edited, with the same three dots and the same promise of imminent tragedy or depraved madness… what are we going to do? Exactly. We’re going to click on it again with the same excitement and fear. Because we’re Mexicans, and gossip, shock, adrenaline, and digital crime news are our daily fuel. We can’t live without drama, even if it’s invented by a sly editor hungry for clicks and a confused cat.
For now, let’s save the bread roll for the real scare that hopefully won’t come soon, let’s take care of our hearts because the media and digital madness are crazy, and let’s go for a sawdust quesadilla… I mean, a real cheese quesadilla for breakfast and laugh for a while at our own national and binational informational stupidity.
WE WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED IF SOMETHING ACTUALLY JUSTIFIABLE HAPPENS THIS TIME (HOPEFULLY NOT), OR IF WE ARE FOOLED AGAIN BY A HEART-STOPPING HEADLINE BASED ON A HIGH-IMPACT GOSSIP SCARE! STAY TUNED AND DON’T MISS THE ENDING OF THIS BINATIONAL, GASTRONOMIC, CROQUETTE-STYLE NATIONAL HORROR SAGA!
