I bet it happened to you guys a little while ago too, right? Confess, guys, let’s be honest. You were there, all relaxed and chilled out on the couch after a long day at work, about to take that first swig of beer to relieve the stress of your exploitative boss, or maybe you were nodding off on the bus, packed in like sardines but with your eyes glued to your phones looking at memes to forget that there’s still half a pay period left.
And suddenly… WHAM, SNAKE!
Their cell phones vibrated with that fury, with that diabolical intensity that only announces three things: the earthquake that is about to hit us, that your ex just unblocked you to start a fight, or A NATIONAL DISASTER.
And there it was. That cursed notification on the lock screen, that top bar that turned alarm red with urgent white letters, designed by the devil himself to torture us with uncertainty. A headline truncated by Zuckerberg’s treacherous algorithm, using numbers instead of letters to circumvent censorship, that seemed like a death sentence for our nightly peace:
“The death of… has just been confirmed”
Oh my god! No way, dude! Admit it! The color drained from your face faster than my Christmas bonus in January. You felt the cold run down your spine as if La Llorona herself had breathed on the back of your neck asking about her children. Your throat tightened and your heart started beating a mile a minute, like a Sinaloan band’s bass drum at full blast.
That incomplete “death of…” was the gateway to the hell of speculation. Who? Who has left us? Your Mexican mind, hardened by a thousand battles of bloody news and national tragedies, began to review the list of our idols who are already of “at-risk age” and whom we keep wrapped in cotton wool.
Could it be Silvia Pinal? God forbid, may He protect her with His sacred mantle, I’m knocking on wood three times! Could it be Luis Miguel, who got a bit too tanned on his last tour? Some legendary Cruz Azul player? The uncertainty was killing you, my friend! It was psychological torture worse than the line at the tax office on tax day!
Most people backed off at first. They thought, “Nah, why bother? It’s probably just a Russian virus, a cryptocurrency scam, or one of those fake news stories from those dodgy sites that just want likes.” But the seed of doubt had already been planted, bro. And that seed grows fast in Mexico, watered by fear and juicy gossip. Morbid curiosity is our national sport, even more so than soccer, admit it. What if it’s true? What if I find out last and look like a fool in the family WhatsApp group?
We, here at your trusted news site, those of us who fear nothing and delve deep into the heart of the story (even if it burns our eyelashes and gives us heartburn) to bring you the real deal, YES, we took the plunge. We swallowed the lump in our throats, prepared the tissues, crossed ourselves three times, and risked facing reality head-on, praying to every saint that it wouldn’t become our ultimate idol.
AND HOLD ON TIGHT, EVERYONE! WHAT WE FOUND BEHIND THAT LINK HAS US SHAKING, BUT FROM PURE SHOCK AND, WE HAVE TO SAY IT CLEARLY, A LITTLE BIT OF RAGE!
The mystery is over, and the national circus has begun! The whole thing, the one that almost made you call your mom sobbing uncontrollably, WAS NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT. I repeat, IT WAS NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT!
Prepare for the truth behind the most shocking and cunning clickbait of the month, the news that had you on the edge of your seat:
“BREAKING NEWS: THE DEATH OF… ‘UNCLE GAMBÓIN’, THE 85-YEAR-OLD HUASTEC PARROT WHO APPEARED IN THE BACKGROUND OF THREE EPISODES OF THE TELENOVELA ‘MARÍA LA DEL BARRIO’ IN 1995 AND WHO LIVED IN RETIREMENT IN A SANCTUARY IN CUERNAVACA, HAS JUST BEEN CONFIRMED!”
TAKE THAT, BEARDED GUY! No way! Just like you read it! The “deceased” was a parakeet! A damn parrot that didn’t even have a stage name, for crying out loud.
CHRONICLE OF A SCARE THAT TOOK 5 YEARS OF OUR LIVES: THE POWER OF MEXICAN CLICKBAIT
Okay, folks, don’t get me wrong. May ‘Uncle Gamboín’ the parrot rest in peace. The sanctuary’s caretakers say he was an icon in his own way, that he still whistled the tune of “Los Ricos También Lloran” when they gave him sunflower seeds, and that he once pecked a Televisa cameraman’s finger back in the ’80s. A feathered legend, without a doubt.
But seriously! Was it really necessary to make us jump out of our seats with that headline worthy of a state funeral? Was it necessary to use numbers to spell “death” as if it were a secret CIA code, just to make us think the President, or the Pope, or Chayanne had died?
There we all were, wondering if we were going to have to take the day off tomorrow for national mourning, who was going to sing at the memorial service at the Palace of Fine Arts, imagining the funeral carriages on Reforma Avenue… and it turns out that the deceased fits perfectly in a Ferragamo shoe box (because he was a fine parrot, that’s for sure).
This, my dear compatriots, is the dark art of modern social media journalism, the “digital crime report.” They play on our deepest feelings, on our ancestral fears of losing our paternal and maternal figures in show business. They know that in Mexico we live on tenterhooks, always waiting for the next tragedy, and they use that fear to earn a lousy click. They’re geniuses of evil, I tell you!
MEXICO REACTS: BETWEEN RELIEF, NERVOUS LAUGHTER, AND MONUMENTAL OUTCRY
Right now, social media is a madhouse of mixed emotions, a real virtual free-for-all. On one hand, there’s a massive wave of collective relief. Phew, what a fucking relief, man! Thank goodness it wasn’t anyone of flesh and blood (human, that is, parrot parrots). Thank God, the Virgin of Guadalupe, and Saint Jude Thaddeus that it was just a major scare and that Doña Silvia is still alive and kicking.
But on the other hand… HOW WRONG OF THOSE WHO WROTE AND PUBLISHED THAT! THEY WENT TOO FAR!
The internet was flooded with memes in a matter of seconds, because that’s how we Mexicans are: we laugh even at our own misfortunes and at how our fellow countrymen were taken for fools. People are posting pictures of their own Australian parakeets wearing black mourning ribbons. Others are uploading videos cursing the article’s editor with colorful, street-smart slang. The hashtag #RipElLoroDeMariaLaDelBarrio is already trending nationally on Twitter (now X), vying for first place with the politicians’ squabbles.
“I was already preparing the double tequila for the depression, I had already called my grandmother to give her my condolences in advance, and it turns out he’s a nobody that even Thalía doesn’t remember, it’s not right to play with my feelings like that, I’m going to get diabetes from the shock,” wrote an indignant user, summarizing the feelings of the entire deceived nation.
FINAL THOUGHT: WE DON’T BELIEVE A WORD THEY SAY ANYMORE, BUT WE KEEP FOLLOWING THEM LIKE ADDICTS!
Guys, this news lets us breathe easy for today; we can put away the bread and alcohol for the shock. But it also teaches us an important lesson that we’ll probably forget by tomorrow. We got tricked again. We fell right into the “See more” trap, like little kids with a poisoned candy.
This headline was a slap of reality about how we consume news today. We’re held hostage by fear, morbid curiosity, and the urgent need to know everything before anyone else.
But let’s be honest, folks. Tomorrow, when another headline comes out, just as sensationalist, just as censored, with the same weird font and the same promise of imminent tragedy… what are we going to do? Exactly. We’re going to click on it again. Because we’re Mexicans, and gossip, shock, and adrenaline are our daily fuel. We can’t live without drama.
For now, rest in peace, Uncle Gamboín the parrot. I hope you get all the seeds you want in animal heaven and keep whistling telenovela theme songs without anyone bothering you. And to you, you sly editors who write those headlines to give us heart attacks… Go to hell! You almost gave me a heart attack. You owe me five years of my life and a box of Riopan for the gastritis you gave me!
We’ll keep you updated on whether the parrot comes back to life as a zombie or if something truly scary actually happens! Stay alert, don’t believe everything you read on Facebook, and protect your heart because the entertainment world is crazy!
