STOP THE PRESSES, DROP THE TACO, AND HOLD ON TO YOUR CHAIRS BECAUSE THE WORLD IS ABOVE ALL! THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE! ALL OF MEXICO IS WIDE-EYED AND HAD ITS JAW DROP!
THAT NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, SAW COMING JUST EXPLODED ON YOUR PHONE! THAT MYSTERIOUS, DAMN, TERRIFYING “SEE MORE” THAT LEFT YOU WITH A LUMP IN YOUR THROAT FIVE MINUTES AGO HAS FINALLY REVEALED ITS TRUTH. AND NO, MY FRIEND, IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. IT’S A THOUSAND TIMES CRAZIER, MORE BIZARRE, AND MORE MEXICAN THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE!
Are you sitting down? Do you have a roll handy for a scare? Because this guy’s story is going to blow your mind. The American Dream does exist, but it has nothing to do with washing dishes!
[URGENT REPORT / BINATIONAL GOSSIP ALERT – FROM THE FRENCH SIDE WHERE REALITY SURPASSES FICTION]
What’s up, my dear Chilanga, Norteña, Costeña and all of this magical, surreal and sometimes so damn unpredictable Mexico!
I bet it happened to you guys a little while ago too, right? Confess, guys, for real. You were there, all relaxed on the couch after a long day at work, about to take that first swig of beer to unwind, or maybe you were on the Pantitlán metro, packed in like sardines but with your eyes glued to your phones looking at memes.
And suddenly… WHAM, SNAKE!
Their phones vibrated with that fury, that diabolical intensity that only heralds national disasters, earthquakes, or the kind of gossip that breaks the internet. And there it was. That cursed notification on the lock screen, with those letters that use numbers to outsmart Zuckerberg’s algorithm, like a coded message from the mafia:
“He went to the USA looking for the American dream and found…see more”
Oh my god! No way, dude! Admit it! Your blood pressure dropped to the quick. Your Mexican mind, hardened by a thousand border horror stories, automatically completed the sentence with the worst. You thought of immigration, you thought of the desert, you thought of him being thrown in jail or something worse. That “and found…” was the gateway to the hell of uncertainty.
Morbid curiosity and terror fought a clean shot to your head. “Nah, why bother, what a mess,” you thought at first. But the seed of gossip had already been planted, bro. And that seed grows fast in Aztec soil.
We, here at your trusted website, those of us who aren’t afraid of anything and who dive headfirst into the heart of gossip (even if it burns us the midnight oil) to bring you the real deal, YES, we take the plunge. We swallow our pride and risk facing reality head-on.
AND HOLD ON TIGHT, EVERYONE! WHAT WE FOUND BEHIND THAT LINK HAS US SHAKING, BUT FROM PURE LAUGHTER AND SHOCK!
The mystery is over, and the craziest urban legend of the year has begun! The complete phrase, the one that made you cross yourself before opening it, WAS NOT A TRAGEDY. I repeat, IT WAS NOT A TRAGEDY! It was the script for a movie that not even Derbez could have come up with.
The truth behind the most shocking clickbait of the month is this:
“HE WENT TO THE US LOOKING FOR THE AMERICAN DREAM AND FOUND… THAT GRINGOS PAY FORTUNES FOR YOU TO SPIT MEZCAL ON THEM AND PASS AN EGG ON THEM! MEET ‘THE WITCH DOCTOR OF BEVERLY HILLS’, THE FORMER BRICKLAYER FROM ECATEPEC WHO NOW EARNS MORE THAN A CONGRESSMAN DOING ‘VIP CLEANSINGS’!”
TAKE THAT, BEARDED GUY! No way! Just like you read it! The guy didn’t find gold, he found the mine of American gullibility.
CHRONICLE OF A WETBACK IMMIGRANT WHO BECAME A GURU: THE STORY OF BRAYAN “THE MYSTIC” PEREZ
To understand the scale of the mess and this guy’s luck, we have to tell the whole story. Brayan Pérez, a 28-year-old kid from the toughest neighborhood in Ecatepec, fed up with his salary not even being enough for his Italika motorcycle, decided to cross the river two years ago.
The plan was the classic one: go to Los Angeles with an uncle, get a job in construction, work 14-hour days, send money back to his mom, and save up to build a small room on the roof. And that’s how it started, folks. Sleeping on an air mattress with six other guys, eating Maruchan noodles, and hiding from immigration. The “American Dream” was turning into a nightmare.
But fate, which is more cruel than kind, had other plans for Brayan.
It turns out that the wife of the American boss where Brayan worked, one of those rich Beverly Hills ladies who believes in chakras and feng shui, was suffering from a migraine that even Botox couldn’t cure. Seeing her suffer and remembering his grandmother, Doña Chole (may she rest in peace, the queen of herbs at the market), Brayan approached her in his broken English.
“Look, boss, you need a … how do you say it… a cleansing. My grandma, a very powerful witch , taught me,” the very daring man told her.
The American woman, desperate, agreed. Brayan had nothing. He grabbed an egg from the refrigerator, a bunch of cilantro he found (because there was no rue), and a jar of Vicks VapoRub he always carried. He sat her down in a chair, began to quietly recite the Lord’s Prayer while passing the egg over her head, and finally, he rubbed Vicks VapoRub on the back of her neck and blew a shot of cheap tequila he had stashed on her.
AND BAM! THE MIRACLE!
Ten minutes later, the woman was walking like new. “Oh my God, Brayan! You are amazing! It’s a miracle!” she exclaimed.
FROM ECATEPEC TO THE WORLD: THE BIRTH OF THE VAPORUB EMPIRE
That’s when everything changed. The woman, a gossip like no other but with millionaire friends, spread the word at the tennis club. “You have to meet my private shaman, he’s a real Mexican, super spiritual.”
In two weeks, Brayan put down his trowel and picked up a bouquet of pepper trees. He became “BRAYAN THE MYSTIC HEALER”.
Guys, this is no joke. This guy is now charging $500 for a 20-minute session where he passes an egg over people (which he then breaks into a glass of water to “read their envy”) and spits expensive mezcal on them. Americans are lining up at his luxury apartment in West Hollywood to have him remove the “evil eye” and align their chakras while Los Tigres del Norte songs play in the background because he says they’re “ancestral mantras.”
He already bought a brand new truck, wears designer clothes (although he combines them terribly, to be honest) and even hired two of his cousins who were still working on the construction project to be his “spiritual assistants” (that is, the ones who go to the store to buy the eggs).
THE FINAL REFLECTION: THE MEXICAN DREAM RELOADED
This “See more” taught us the biggest lesson of the year. Brayan didn’t break his back to succeed; he used Mexican ingenuity, that spark we have to get ahead even if it’s by selling smoke… literally!
While some cry, others sell handkerchiefs, and Brayan is selling cleansings at exorbitant prices.
So, you know, folks. Don’t underestimate grandma’s remedies. Maybe that’s the key to getting out of poverty in the States. Brayan already made it and now he’s the king of Aztec mysticism in Hollywood! LONG LIVE MEXICO, YOU BASTARDS, AND LONG LIVE VAPORUB!
