STOP THE PRESSES, DROP THE TACO, AND HOLD ON TO ANYTHING BECAUSE THE WORLD IS ABOVE ALL! THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE! THE NEWS THAT THE “HIGH-VALUE MEN” DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW AND THAT THE “TOXIC” ONES HAVE KEPT UNDER LOCK AND SEASON HAS JUST EXPLODED ON YOUR SCREEN!

THE MYSTERIOUS AND TERRIFYING “SEE MORE” THAT CHILLED YOUR BLOOD AND MADE YOU SWEAT ON THE BUS FINALLY REVEALS ITS HARSH TRUTH! DOES YOUR GIRL SUDDENLY WANT TO TAKE OVER THE HOME? DO YOU THINK IT’S BECAUSE SHE SAW A ROMANTIC MOVIE? GET READY, BUDDY, BECAUSE THE ANSWER IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL TIME BOMB THAT YOU’VE ALREADY STUCK IN BED WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT!

[URGENT REPORT / RED ALERT FOR MEN MX – FROM THE TRENCHES OF ENDANGERED MACHISMO]

What’s up, my dear Chilanga, Norteña, Costeña and all of this magical Mexico, sometimes horny and always on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

I bet it happened to you a little while ago too, right? Confess. You were there, all relaxed and chilled out on the couch after a long day at work, slipper on, about to take that first swig of ice-cold beer to unwind from the stress of that exploitative boss. Or maybe you were nodding off on the Pantitlán Metro during rush hour, packed in like sardines, but with one eye glued to your phone looking at memes to forget the misery. And suddenly… WHAM!

Their cell phones vibrated with that fury that only announces three things: Coppel collections at 3 in the morning, a trembling earthquake that warrants a bread roll to calm the nerves, or worse yet… internet revelations that make your hair stand on end and make you doubt even your own shadow.

And there it was. That cursed image on your Facebook wall, in an annoying ad that slipped in among the photos of your cousins. A short phrase, straight for the jugular of your male confidence, with that headline truncated by Zuckerberg’s treacherous algorithm that felt like a death sentence for your peace of mind:

“Careful, if your girl asks you to get on top it’s because she knows… See more”

Oh my god! No way, dude! Admit it! Your blood pressure dropped to your ankles (literally). You felt a chill run down your spine as if La Llorona herself had breathed down your neck saying, “Oh, my horns!” Your nerves tightened in your throat. That incomplete “sab…” was the gateway to the hell of uncertainty.

What the hell does he know? Your Mexican mind, hardened in a thousand battles of jealousy, mistrust and urban legends, began to fly to the worst scenarios.

Does he know I have another family in Tlaxcala? (I wish it were just that!). Does he know I spent my paycheck on partying and not on “bank payments”? Or could it be… something worse? Something to do with “El Sancho”? Or perhaps… something mystical, dark, a modern-day witchcraft of female empowerment that I’m unaware of?

Morbid curiosity got the better of you. Most people backed off at first. They thought, “Nah, why bother? They’ll probably tell me they know I’m fat and I’ll be traumatized, I’d rather play dumb.” But the seed of doubt had already been planted, my friend. And that seed grows fast in Mexican soil, watered with insecurity and “I’ll ask them later.”

We here at your trusted portal, RED ALERT FOR MEN MX, those of us who aren’t afraid of the devil or our mothers-in-law (well, maybe a little), and who go right into the thick of things to bring you the real deal, YES, we took the plunge. We risked having a heart attack or catching a Russian virus just from reading.

And what we found behind that link, family, is a psychological horror story, a gender conspiracy, and an open secret that has us trembling. Hold on tight, because the chronicle of what happens when you click the forbidden “See More” is a vivid portrait of how your “old lady” isn’t the same anymore and is playing you in the most pleasurable yet dangerous way possible!

THE GREAT REVELATION: THE ANCIENT SECRET OF THE “HOUSING UNIT AMAZONS”!

The mystery is over! Sit down if you’re standing because you’re going to fall flat on your face! The full sentence, the one that algorithms, radical feminists, and your own denial didn’t want you to see, is this reality bomb that will leave you wide-eyed and staring at your partner in terror the next time you turn off the lights:

“BEWARE, IF YOUR GIRL ASKS YOU TO GET ON TOP, IT’S BECAUSE SHE KNOWS… THAT BY TAKING PHYSICAL CONTROL, SHE’S STARTING A PSYCHOLOGICAL RITUAL OF TOTAL DOMINATION TO STEAL YOUR VITAL ENERGY, YOUR BANKING SECRETS, AND EVEN YOUR WILL TO WATCH FOOTBALL ON SUNDAYS! YOU’RE NO LONGER THE KING OF THE JUNGLE, YOU’RE HER PREY!”

TAKE THAT, BEARDED GUY! What a kick in the ego, bro!

It wasn’t because he wanted to change things up, guys. It wasn’t because he got a leg cramp. It wasn’t because he saw you were really tired from work. Don’t be naive! That request that at first seemed like heaven, IS THE DOORWAY TO THE HELL OF SUBMISSION!

CHRONICLE OF A TRAGEDY FORETOLD: THE CASE OF “EL BETO, THE TAMED ONE OF ECATEPEC”

To give you an idea of ​​the mess we’re in because we’re too trusting and hot-headed, let me tell you the true story (we changed his name so as not to burn him more than he already is, poor thing) of Don Beto, a 32-year-old Godínez from Ecatepec, a die-hard Club América fan and king of the grill on weekends.

Beto was happy with his girl, Jeny. At first, Jeny was quiet, shy, the kind who turned off the light and covered herself up to her neck. Beto felt like the stud of the neighborhood, the “All Mine” guy.

But a month ago, everything changed. Jeny started hanging out with some “new friends” from Zumba, the kind who read tarot cards and share quotes from “badass women” on Facebook. And one Friday night, after a few tequilas, it happened.

Beto was ready for his usual boring missionary routine, when Jeny pushed him down onto the bed with a force that Beto didn’t know she possessed.

“Stay still, daddy! I’m driving today,” Jeny told him in a voice that wasn’t her own, a commanding voice, a bossy voice.

Beto, naive as a puppy, thought: “Wow, double win! Beto really hit the jackpot today.” And he let himself be courted. Big mistake, bro. Big mistake.

THE DISCOVERY OF “SEE MORE” THAT RUINED HIS LIFE

The next day, Beto, hungover but satisfied, saw the damn notification on his cell phone: “Careful, if your girl asks you to get on top it’s because she knows… See more” .

He remembered the night before. He remembered Jeny’s gaze while he was upstairs, a fixed, intense stare, like Medusa’s that turns you to stone. And he was tempted to try to get her to join him.

What he read left him cold. The article (which the Illuminati probably deleted within five minutes) explained that there’s a secret network of women who pass on “knowledge.” It said that when she’s on top, it’s not to give you pleasure, it’s to scan your soul!

She said that, from that position of power, they can detect your lies, see how much you have in your wallet without opening it, and that, through ancestral pelvic movements, they gradually drain your testosterone until you become a being who only knows how to say: “Yes, my love, whatever you say, do you want me to wash the dishes?”

Beto started putting two and two together. Since that night, he’d felt more tired, less inclined to fight, and strangely, he’d gotten the urge to go with Jeny to buy curtains at Parisina on the Saturday of the National Classic. THE SPELL WAS WORKING!

THE FATAL OUTCOME: ANOTHER MAN KILLED IN COMBAT

Beto tried to rebel. The next time Jeny wanted to “ride the bull,” Beto pretended to be asleep. But Jeny already knew. “Don’t play dead, Beto, I know you love it,” she whispered. And Beto, without will, gave in.

Today, Beto doesn’t go to the stadium anymore. He doesn’t drink beer with his friends on the sidewalk anymore. Now he spends his time at home watching Turkish series with Jeny and arguing about which color cushions best match the sofa.

His gaze is lost. He’s a broken man. When his friends ask him what happened, he just sighs and says, “It’s just that she… she knows things, man. Be careful when they ask you to go upstairs. It’s the beginning of the end.”

THE MORAL OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD: BE CAREFUL AND DON’T LET YOURSELF BE TAMED SO EASILY!

There it is, my people. That’s the terrible, painful truth hidden behind the “See More” button. It wasn’t a sex tip to improve your performance. It was a psychological warfare alert!

This message isn’t meant to scare you (well, maybe a little), it’s meant to get you to step up your game. In Mexico, we love to act all macho, but the truth is, women are smarter and way ahead of us.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TODAY? LOOK HER IN THE EYES AND RESIST!

1. Stop being so trusting! If your girlfriend’s attitude changes overnight, RED ALERT! She’s up to something with the Zumba girls or read something on a shady internet forum.

2. Take back control (sometimes)! I’m not saying you shouldn’t let yourself be pampered, of course you should, it’s great! But don’t let it become a habit, bro. You have to rotate power so they don’t put you in the psychological chokehold.

3. Don’t trust the “Read More” link! Most of those articles are just gossip to scare you, but… what if it’s true? What if Jeny really does know the secret to world domination?

4. Share this post BEFORE THE TOXIC PEOPLE CENSOR US! Pass it on in your soccer buddies’ WhatsApp group, with your henpecked cousin, with your uncles who’ve already lost the battle. Let all of Mexico know that the battle of the sexes is being fought in the bedroom and we’re losing by a landslide!

Today Don Beto learned the hard way and now lives to serve his queen. Don’t be like Don Beto. Don’t wait to read “See More” until you’re already doing other people’s laundry on a Sunday. Wake up, Mexican! Your manhood is at stake, and the enemy is sleeping with you!

We will continue to report on the secret tactics they use against us. Stay alert, tighten those pants, and may God have mercy on us… and preferably from the side!