[URGENT REPORT / NATIONAL RED ALERT – FROM THE EPICENTER OF CHAOS WHERE NO ONE IS SAFE]
What’s up, my dear friends from Mexico City, the north, the coast, Guadalajara, and all of this magical, surreal, and today, absolutely terrified Mexico!
I bet it happened to you guys a little while ago, right? Confess, guys, let’s be honest. You were there, all Agustín Lara-esque in the office, pretending to work while waiting for lunch, or stuck in the infernal traffic on the Periférico, or maybe just lounging on the couch watching TikToks. And suddenly… WHAM!
Their cell phones vibrated with that fury, with that diabolical intensity that only announces major misfortunes: a trembling earthquake that will send us running into the street in our underwear, or news that will ruin your day.
And there it was. That cursed notification on the lock screen, that top bar that turned alarm red with urgent white letters. A headline truncated by Zuckerberg’s treacherous algorithm, designed by Satan himself to torture us with uncertainty, that seemed like a death sentence for our peace of mind:
“Be careful if you are in these places, they are under attack…see more”
Oh my god! No way, dude! Admit it! The color drained from your face faster than my paycheck on a Friday. You felt the cold run down your spine like La Llorona herself had breathed down your neck. Your throat tightened and your heart started racing a mile a minute, like a Sinaloan band’s bass drum at full blast.
That incomplete “attack…” was the gateway to a hell of speculation. What kind of attack? Gunfire? Bombs? Zombies? Aliens? Your Mexican mind, hardened by a thousand battles of insecurity and sensationalist news, began to race to the worst possible scenarios. Where? On the subway? At the mall? At the kids’ school? The uncertainty was killing you, buddy!
Morbid curiosity and terror fought a clean shot to your head. Most people backed off at first. They thought, “Nah, why bother clicking? It’s probably just a Russian virus or a fake news story to scare me.” But the seed of doubt had already been planted, bro. And that seed grows fast in Aztec soil, watered by daily fear.
We, here at your trusted news site, those of us who aren’t afraid of the devil himself and who dive headfirst into the heart of the disaster (even if we have to wear bulletproof vests and helmets) to bring you the real deal, YES, we take the plunge. We swallow our nerves, cross ourselves three times, and risk facing reality head-on.
AND HOLD ON TIGHT, EVERYONE! WHAT WE FOUND BEHIND THAT LINK HAS US SHAKING, SWEATING COLD, AND LOOKING FOR SHELTER! THIS IS REALLY INTENSE!
The mystery is over and panic has begun in the streets! The full phrase, the one that just turned the authorities upside down and has half of Mexico running for their lives, has nothing to do with what you thought, but it’s just as terrifying.
Prepare for the truth behind the most shocking clickbait of the year:
“UNPRECEDENTED MAXIMUM ALERT! BEWARE IF YOU ARE IN THESE PLACES: LUXURY SHOPPING MALLS, MAJOR AIRPORTS, AND CENTRAL METRO STATIONS IN MEXICO CITY, MONTERREY, AND GUADALAJARA ARE UNDER A ‘COORDINATED BIOLOGICAL ATTACK’! MASSIVE CLOUDS OF AN UNKNOWN URTICATING AGENT AND PLAGUES OF AGGRESSIVE INSECTS HAVE TAKEN OVER KEY POINTS! THERE ARE HUMAN STAMPEDES AND TOTAL CHAOS!”
TAKE THAT, BEARDED GUY! No way! It’s not gunshots, it’s something you can’t see until it’s already stinging or burning your skin!
CHRONICLE OF A BLACK TUESDAY: THE DAY MEXICO SCRATCHED ITSELF UNTIL IT BLEED
To give you an idea of the scale of the chaos that’s unfolding. This isn’t a TikTok joke. Live reports from Mexico City indicate that the Pantitlán Metro station and the Perisur Shopping Center are war zones.
Witnesses describe a horrific scene: people running in terror, covering their faces with T-shirts, coughing uncontrollably, and desperately scratching their skin. “It started as an itch, and then I felt like I was burning alive!” shouted a man interviewed on the street, his eyes red and his skin covered in welts.
There are reports of clouds of strange dust coming out of the ventilation systems and, simultaneously, swarms of what appear to be super-aggressive mutant wasps or bees attacking people in food areas.
Imagine the chaos! People throwing trays of food, the posh ladies of Polanco losing their glamour and running around in heels while shaking bugs out of their hair, the rich kids abandoning their trucks in the valet parking to flee on foot.
GUADALAJARA AND MONTERREY: TERROR SPREADS
And it’s not just the capital. In Guadalajara, Plaza Andares is reporting total chaos. Luxury boutiques closed their doors with customers inside, while outside people jumped into the fountains to try to soothe the burning sensation on their skin.
In Monterrey, the International Airport is paralyzed. Flights are canceled, people are crammed into the terminals unable to leave, while security personnel try to control stampedes of passengers who claim to feel “something crawling on their bodies.”
AUTHORITIES OVERWHELMED: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Right now, the government is in a mess. Civil Protection issued an alert urging people to AVOID crowded and enclosed spaces at all costs. The National Guard is deploying in hazmat suits (those yellow astronaut-type suits) in the affected areas.
Is it a terrorist attack? Is it a macabre joke that got out of hand? Is it nature taking its revenge? Nobody knows anything. The official secrecy only fuels the panic.
Hospitals near the attack sites are overwhelmed. Emergency rooms are overflowing with people suffering from severe allergic reactions, panic attacks, and injuries from the stampedes. There’s no room for stretchers in the hallways!
FINAL THOUGHT: THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING, DON’T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN
Guys, that “Be careful if you find yourself…” notification wasn’t a game. It was a warning that our reality has just changed in the last few hours. We’re facing an unprecedented event that strikes at our most basic sense of security.
That incomplete “attack…” was the beginning of a collective nightmare.
Nobody goes out safely today. Keep your phones charged, avoid crowds, and if you see anything suspicious, run for the hills! Don’t try to be brave.
From here, we’ll continue monitoring every corner of this mess. Stay tuned to our social media, because things are going to get worse before they get better. We’ll bring you the real, uncensored information, so you know where to go and where not to go.
May God have mercy on us, everyone! Close your windows and don’t go out unless absolutely necessary! Danger is in the air!
