STOP THE PRESSES, DROP THE TACO, AND HOLD ON TO ANYTHING BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A DRILL! WORLD PEACE IS OVER, PEOPLE! UNCLE SAM JUST PUSHED THE RED BUTTON AND WE’RE FRONT ROW FOR THE APOCALYPSE!
THE NEWS NO ONE WANTED TO READ BUT EVERYONE FEARED! THE MYSTERIOUS AND TERRIFYING “SEE MORE” THAT LEFT US WITH OUR HEART ON OUR HEADS FINALLY REVEALS ITS DARKEST SECRET. WORLD WAR III? HOLD ON TIGHT, BECAUSE THIS IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A MAGNITUDE EIGHT EARTHQUAKE!
[URGENT REPORT / THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH MX – FROM THE TRENCHES OF FEAR]
Oh my goodness! What’s up, my dear friends from Mexico City, the north, the coast, and all of this magical Mexico who woke up today with the scare of their lives!
It’s probably happened to you too. You were there, about to check out the meme, or just waking up with sleep still in your eyes, scrolling through your phone to see what new memes were out, when suddenly… BAM! Your phone vibrated with that intensity that only announces tragedies or debt collections from Coppel. And there it was. That cursed image on your newsfeed. A heavily armed American soldier, looking none too pleased, a desert background that smelled of gunpowder, and that cropped headline, those black letters that looked like a death sentence for humanity:
“Ultima Hora USA begins the gu… See more”
Holy shit, dude! Admit it! You felt the cold run down your spine, all the way to your nether regions. Your heart leaped into your throat, and you thought the same thing as millions of other Mexicans: “Wh… what? War? Massive beatings? A global thermonuclear war that’s going to leave us like roasted chickens?”
The uncertainty was killing us all, damn it. That stupid “See More” button was the gateway to the abyss. Should I click it or not? If I click it, will I find out that everything’s already screwed up? Or will it be just another clickbait ad trying to sell me fake cryptocurrency?
Well, hold on tight, folks, because we, here at your trusted website, where we fear neither the devil (and sometimes not even the IRS), DO click that damn button. We risk getting a Russian virus or having our IP addresses traced by the FBI, all to bring you the unvarnished truth. And let me tell you, with a bread roll in hand to calm my nerves, the reality hidden behind that “See more” is a THOUSAND TIMES MORE TWISTED, SCANDALOUS, AND DANGEROUS than your paranoid mind could have imagined.
The mystery is over! Prepare your emergency kits and collect water, because the truth about the planet is here and it’s burning!
The full sentence, the one the world’s elites didn’t want you to read all at once so you wouldn’t rush to empty Walmart of toilet paper, is this atomic bomb of information:
“BREAKING NEWS: The US has launched a ‘total preemptive war’ against a coalition of Eastern powers following a massive cyberattack, deploying elite troops to strategic locations that could involve the entire continent. DEFCON 2 protocols have been activated!”
TAKE THAT, BEARDED ONE! Just like you read it, my people! The devil has been unleashed globally!
CHRONICLE OF A CATASTROPHE FORETOLD: “OPERATION SILENT THUNDER”
The explosive report that followed the “See more” detail an operation worthy of the most over-the-top Hollywood movie, but unfortunately, this is real life. It turns out that while we were sleeping or watching TikToks, the mother of all battles was brewing at the Pentagon.
According to top-level sources—deep throats infiltrated in Washington who spill the beans in exchange for protection—the US government couldn’t take it anymore. Apparently, they suffered a cyberattack that nearly knocked out power to half the country and hacked their nuclear codes (give me a break!). Uncle Sam’s response wasn’t diplomatic; it was a barrage of missiles!
“It was no longer sustainable, the threat was imminent. They decided to strike first and ask questions later,” an anonymous military analyst, whom we will call “Commander X,” reportedly confessed, his voice trembling.
Operation Silent Thunder was executed in the early hours of the morning. There was no notification to the UN, no diplomatic notes. It was a massive deployment of aircraft carriers, state-of-the-art drones, and soldiers like the one in the photo, ready to unleash a hail of bullets in distant lands… and not so distant ones.
PANIC GRIPS MARKETS AND STREETS
And how does this affect us, the children of the corn? Well, how do you think, you bastards! Straight to our wallets and our security!
As soon as the truth behind the clickbait came out, the financial world went to hell. The dollar… Oh, the dollar! It took a leap that almost gave us a heart attack. If it was expensive yesterday, today you need to sell a kidney to buy a few greenbacks. The Mexican Stock Exchange opened in blood red, and investors are running around like headless chickens.
On the streets, gossip spreads faster than wildfire. There are already reports of endless lines at gas stations along the northern border. People in Tijuana, Juárez, and Matamoros are panicking, thinking that if things get really bad, they’ll be the first ones caught in the crossfire. “We’re screwed, man!” shouted a guy at a market in Mexico City while buying 20 kilos of beans and rice, just in case.
And it’s no wonder. Mexico, being the unwelcome neighbor of the giant to the north, always gets hurt when they fight. Are they going to ask us for military support? Are they going to seal the borders completely? What will happen to our countrymen who are working hard on the other side? The uncertainty is worse than the news itself!
CONSPIRACY THEORIES: WHAT ARE THE BIG GUYS HIDING FROM US?
But be careful, very careful. Since we in this country are quite suspicious (and with good reason), the internet conspiracy theorists have already come out saying that this smells fishy.
On the dark corners of the internet, people are saying this is all a giant smokescreen. To cover up what? Theories range from an internal economic crisis in the US that they can no longer hide, to the arrival of aliens (yes, there’s always someone who says the war is against Martians).
“Don’t swallow the whole story, folks,” says “El Chaneque Cibernético,” an activist hacker from Iztapalapa. “They’re doing this to control us, to instill fear and make us accept whatever they impose on us. War is a business, man, and someone’s getting rich while we’re just sitting around doing nothing.”
THE URGENT CALL: WHAT TO DO IN THE FACE OF THE END OF THE WORLD?
Guys, things are looking grim. Clicking “See more” on that viral image didn’t give us answers, it gave us a death sentence. We don’t know whether to pray, run, or binge-watch TV until the first bomb drops.
We live in dangerous times, where a single click can reveal the beginning of a dark age. What comes next? Forced conscription? A beer shortage?
For now, our humble newsroom’s recommendation is: stay calm (yeah, right), don’t fall for fake news that only aims to create more panic, and take care of your loved ones. Oh, and if you have any savings, well… you’ll have to decide whether to keep them under the mattress or buy cans of tuna.
This is just the beginning, folks. The world changed in a second. Next time you see a news story like this, think twice before clicking on it, because the truth can be much worse than what we’re used to.
Share this post before the New World Order algorithms take it down for telling the truth! Let all of Mexico know that Uncle Sam is angry and could take us down!
We will continue to provide minute-by-minute updates on this international mess, if the internet is still working tomorrow. God help us!
